Get Out Of My Face

Some things really get my goat. They grind my gears. They rub me up the wrong way. Here's one of them.

Every so often in Japan I get people approaching me asking if they can talk to me - the motive being (usually) so that they can use the English they've learned. Now you can look at it in a number of ways I suppose, and whether or not it annoys you very much depends on your mood at the time, and also the way in which a conversation is requested. For example, recently I was sitting in a park with my good friend, just chatting, when a middle aged man came up and asked if he could talk to us. Which is all very well and good, but he interrupted us mid-sentence while we were talking to EACH OTHER. Quite abruptly, I might add. Who knows what we could have been talking about? For all anyone knew it might have been quite an intimate conversation he was intruding on. Needless to say, this time it wasn't. But we still declined on principle. In the past, I have acquiesced to such requests but for the time being, I don't think I will. Here's why.

Imagine that you have been studying, I don't know, let's say French. You live in London. You're sitting in a cafe, when alors! You hear the dulcet tones of French trilling from the next table. Two French ladies are sipping coffee together, in deep conversation. What an opportunity! Perhaps the best thing to do is plonk yourself down at their table and ask to join in! They would probably be thrilled to speak with a stranger for a good half an hour.

I don't imagine, actually, that they would really appreciate a local forcibly extracting conversation from them. Perhaps they have the right to sit and relax in a country that is not their own without being hassled for a service they are under no obligation to provide. And sod it, so do I.

Many people view foreigners living in different countries as guests, and the guests should therefore be prepared to provide a service. Hmm. Perhaps. But these guests also work everyday. A holiday it ain't. And if they are English teachers, what motivation do they have to do the very thing they get paid to do for free? Certainly it is not their original country, but for the time being, it IS their home. And they have the right to enjoy their home in peace.

There are many ways to practice a language without bothering people in the street, in Starbucks, in the pub, wherever. Besides, if the foreigner is unwilling, it's pretty much awkward for everyone.

But all this is relatively mild compared with my original reason for writing this post. Japanese people wanting to practice English is one thing, and actually quite understandable at the end of the day, however aggravating it can be. HERE is what annoyed me immensely.

A few days ago I was at the pub with a friend of mine. All was well. We had beef jerky and some weird happy hour drinks. We told anecdotes. Ahahaha, we said. We were having a nice time.

BUT THEN!

A young man approached. He was a western fellow. He spoke to us in English.

"Can you do me and my friend a big favour and speak to the Japanese girls we're sitting with?" he asked. "They're really shy and don't want to speak to men, but maybe they'll speak to women."

We stared at him. We looked back at his table. Sure enough, there were two girls huddled together, looking rather sullen. Another western man, our attacker's accomplice no doubt, stared helplessly at them.

"Well, that's too bad for you," I said.

"Oh please, you'd be really helping us," he wheedled. The gist of that being, I want to get laid tonight.

"I'm a teacher. It's my day off and I don't want to do what i did all week for free," I retorted.

"I'm a teacher too! But they don't want to talk to us!" He was growing desperate. I wanted to say well, find other girls that talk, then. But I didn't. Ooh, I wish I had.

"That's not my problem," I said. He left.

Why were we so mean? Bitches! you might cry. Why didn't you help the wee laddies get a shag?

Because, fool, you missed the point. It's one thing to be used for conversation. That's quite sweet and pure actually, however irksome. But to be used as a tool to get into some unresponsive tart's knickers isn't exactly my idea of a relaxing weekend drink. And this was a fellow foreigner, who for all I know was used to the same intrusions on his own privacy. He should have known better.

If you think someone's open for a conversation, then by all means say hello. It can be a very nice experience for all. But don't intrude, for God's sake. And above all, don't use them as bait for your sordid motives.

On that note, adieu! Feel free to chat anytime.