If I owned Eastenders

I really miss Eastenders. I really miss all British telly. Recently I've started going mad from it - searching for crusty clips on Youtube of Sharon snogging her fake brother from several years ago, until before I know it it's 3am and I'm still needing a dose of fake cockney injected into my bloodstream.

I must confess that the reason for my recent mania is the fact that I heard that Kat and Alfie are coming back - the tart with a heart and the cheeky chappy himself. In fact, they were the only reason I watched Eastenders for the most part. But then they went away and it all went wrong. All these blonde clones called Mitchell started appearing, some red-headed father and son were fighting over a slapper, some children appeared and nobody seemed to remember who they belonged to, etc. And I lost interest.

But as of next week, my favourite couple are back and I'm stuck over here, eating rice balls and MISSING IT. So if someone finds a way to record it, send it to me, despite my lack of a VHS recorder, then I'll be over the Alfie Moon. But until then I'll just keep imagining my own episodes in my head. So here is my take on things -

If I were in charge of Eastenders I would:

Kill off everyone in a freak accident. Sod burning the Vic, if I had it my way there would be a nasty case of bubonic plague, starting with the Mitchells. The signs would be small at first – Phil coughs up phlegm with every line (well, more than he usually does). Janine will find even more unsightly lumps under her armpits. Pat's earlobes would drop off, partly because of the plague and partly due to her bulbous earrings. Then entire families would disappear overnight, never to be seen again.

The only survivors would be Kat and Alfie, who would be holed up in the Vic’s burned out shell. Once all the corpses are cleared away, the pair would reign supreme and entire episodes would be dedicated to watching them loot the houses of the dead. Perhaps, for some light relief, Dot would remain in the launderette to keep the happy couple’s sheets nice and clean and quote bible passages when it seems all morals are lost.

Of course, being the only cast to speak of and therefore having no one else to talk to as an outlet, Alfie and Kat would gradually start to go mad. They will be sick of the sight of each other and begin to resent each others’ presence. The tension would build and build until someone snaps. So in a hilarious contrast to Alfie’s one-man midnight ‘condom caper’ episode a few years ago, there will be a harrowing episode consisting of nothing more than Kat running around the ghost town that was once Albert Square. Chased by an always unseen Alfie, wielding the metal bust of Queen Victoria.

In a further twist, Pauline would come back from the dead. Not as gripping as the Den Watts storyline but certainly worth it as Eastenders isn't Eastenders without a nagging matriarch.

Ratings would skyrocket!

In addition, one thing that's really torturing me at the moment is the fact that right now, probably right this minute, I'm missing This Is England '86, the TV spin-off continuation of Shane Meadows's film. This is a terrible state of affairs. I remember when I first watched the film I was distraught by the end, not because of the white-power, colour-hating subject matter, but because the jovial leader of the rapscallion skins, Woody, disappears half-way into the film. I was enraged! How dare they create a loveable, chirpy character then just push him off to the sidelines. But this is all fixed, as Woody's back, in several glorious episodes. Except, for now, I don't get to see it.

Bless England and its top telly. I'll save my rantings about Japanese TV for another time. I'm busy on Youtube right now.