Get Out Of My Face

Some things really get my goat. They grind my gears. They rub me up the wrong way. Here's one of them.

Every so often in Japan I get people approaching me asking if they can talk to me - the motive being (usually) so that they can use the English they've learned. Now you can look at it in a number of ways I suppose, and whether or not it annoys you very much depends on your mood at the time, and also the way in which a conversation is requested. For example, recently I was sitting in a park with my good friend, just chatting, when a middle aged man came up and asked if he could talk to us. Which is all very well and good, but he interrupted us mid-sentence while we were talking to EACH OTHER. Quite abruptly, I might add. Who knows what we could have been talking about? For all anyone knew it might have been quite an intimate conversation he was intruding on. Needless to say, this time it wasn't. But we still declined on principle. In the past, I have acquiesced to such requests but for the time being, I don't think I will. Here's why.

Imagine that you have been studying, I don't know, let's say French. You live in London. You're sitting in a cafe, when alors! You hear the dulcet tones of French trilling from the next table. Two French ladies are sipping coffee together, in deep conversation. What an opportunity! Perhaps the best thing to do is plonk yourself down at their table and ask to join in! They would probably be thrilled to speak with a stranger for a good half an hour.

I don't imagine, actually, that they would really appreciate a local forcibly extracting conversation from them. Perhaps they have the right to sit and relax in a country that is not their own without being hassled for a service they are under no obligation to provide. And sod it, so do I.

Many people view foreigners living in different countries as guests, and the guests should therefore be prepared to provide a service. Hmm. Perhaps. But these guests also work everyday. A holiday it ain't. And if they are English teachers, what motivation do they have to do the very thing they get paid to do for free? Certainly it is not their original country, but for the time being, it IS their home. And they have the right to enjoy their home in peace.

There are many ways to practice a language without bothering people in the street, in Starbucks, in the pub, wherever. Besides, if the foreigner is unwilling, it's pretty much awkward for everyone.

But all this is relatively mild compared with my original reason for writing this post. Japanese people wanting to practice English is one thing, and actually quite understandable at the end of the day, however aggravating it can be. HERE is what annoyed me immensely.

A few days ago I was at the pub with a friend of mine. All was well. We had beef jerky and some weird happy hour drinks. We told anecdotes. Ahahaha, we said. We were having a nice time.

BUT THEN!

A young man approached. He was a western fellow. He spoke to us in English.

"Can you do me and my friend a big favour and speak to the Japanese girls we're sitting with?" he asked. "They're really shy and don't want to speak to men, but maybe they'll speak to women."

We stared at him. We looked back at his table. Sure enough, there were two girls huddled together, looking rather sullen. Another western man, our attacker's accomplice no doubt, stared helplessly at them.

"Well, that's too bad for you," I said.

"Oh please, you'd be really helping us," he wheedled. The gist of that being, I want to get laid tonight.

"I'm a teacher. It's my day off and I don't want to do what i did all week for free," I retorted.

"I'm a teacher too! But they don't want to talk to us!" He was growing desperate. I wanted to say well, find other girls that talk, then. But I didn't. Ooh, I wish I had.

"That's not my problem," I said. He left.

Why were we so mean? Bitches! you might cry. Why didn't you help the wee laddies get a shag?

Because, fool, you missed the point. It's one thing to be used for conversation. That's quite sweet and pure actually, however irksome. But to be used as a tool to get into some unresponsive tart's knickers isn't exactly my idea of a relaxing weekend drink. And this was a fellow foreigner, who for all I know was used to the same intrusions on his own privacy. He should have known better.

If you think someone's open for a conversation, then by all means say hello. It can be a very nice experience for all. But don't intrude, for God's sake. And above all, don't use them as bait for your sordid motives.

On that note, adieu! Feel free to chat anytime.

Better Late Than Never

I finally pulled my finger out and went to the gym today. Sadly, I realised it was the first time I've been in a gym for 8 years, and even then I only did it because I was sort of curious. Well, this time i stood on a treadmill for the first time in my life. And I didn't just stand on it, no siree! i was a-running as fast as my little sausage legs could carry me.

You know why?

Because this is Japan.

Yeah. Fatties are few and far between here. Well, actually, they're gradually increasing, but put it this way, when walking down the street, you'll see far less blobbies than you would in London. It's quite depressing, from a selfish point of view. When I went back to London this February, I was gleeful to find that I was no longer one of the largest people in the vicinity. It was quite lovely, wading amongst the blubber on King Street and feeling really rather svelte. Ahaha. And I don't jeer at people's misfortune, but it is just nice to not feel like a great big pig, snuffling in the truffles. When people gawped at me in England, it was easier to imagine that perhaps it was because they liked my nice boots, and not because they were staring at my massive proportions. Perhaps. Then I returned to Japan and it all went wrong again.

Of course, there is an easier way to not feel like a great big pig. No, that's a lie, it's actually the harder way. Instead of moving to a country full of oinkers to feel thin by comparison, you could go to the gym. I suppose that's what one calls productivity.

So it's the beginning of a new chapter. It's called "Getting Things Done". Let's see how it pans out.

Comings and Goings

Soon there will be a change in living circumstances (again), only this time because one of my housemates is moving out. And that means he's gonna be replaced. With who, I just don't know.

Speculation abounds! Will they be nice? Mental? Void of personality? Right now, only time will tell.

This is the problem you always get when you choose to live with people. You don't get any say in the matter.

All this talk of living with people reminds me of my student days... (FLASHBACK WIGGLY LINES)

It is 2006. I am in my room in a rather large house I share with eight people. Music is playing and it is a cold winter evening. I am relaxed.
The floor is warm and i am grateful because it is chilly out. Then I realise - the floor is too warm. I hear shouting, then an alarm sounds. As I make my way downstairs, I see the smoke and it dawns on me what is happening.
The front door is open. My housemate is trying to waft the billowing smoke out of it. In the kitchen below my room, near the bins that have recently been de-maggotted, flames several feet high lick their way up the walls. Cause of fire - a pan of hot fat on the stove has been neglected while pasta simmers in confusion nearby. i look at the rising flames and think - I have to move.

Perhaps I am done living with people, then. So what are the choices?

Basically, in Japan, your options are the following if you're a foreigner. You can:

-live with friends in some manner of apartment (risky - in such small spaces, squabbles erupt and you may not be friends for much longer. Plus, someone always moves out, usually to sunnier climes.)

-live alone (usually expensive because some manner of key money, sorry, "gift money" has to be paid alongside the rent and deposit, plus agency fees if you choose to do it that way. Also, it can be a little lonely unless you enjoy misanthropy/"your own company")

-live with a lover (call me cynical but DO NOT RECOMMEND, unless you're certain it won't end in tears, despair and broken crockery)

Oh yeah, there's one more. You can live in a guesthouse. I did once. It was quite shit, really. There were cockroaches and spiders and signs saying "please use the restroom BEFORE you shower", which begs the question, why bother with any manner of pretence? If you're catering for the calibre of person who defecates in the shower cubicles regularly, drop the fancy language. "DON'T SHIT IN THE SHOWER" would surely suffice. Perhaps a smiley face to keep the tone light.

But, thinking about it, unless you want to stay in Japan for many moons, I actually believe guesthouses are the best option. Consider this:

- they're usually cheaper than apartment sharing
- kitchens and bathrooms are communal and cleaned by management, so you won't have fights over who left the hair in the plughole or who didn't do the washing up
-you can always meet people. In fact, I met my first and (some of my closest) Japan friends in a guesthouse. It was quite sweet really, we bonded over the house's ridiculous idiosyncrasies, such as how there was no internet for the first 2 months, or how there was always a mysterious bag of hair in the shower room. But, at the very least, it is not a lonely place.
-if people get too much for you, you can lock the room door and escape from the outside world. It's difficult to do that in an apartment, where you hear every sparrowfart, throat-clearing and occasional suspicious grunt.

I've stated my case. In fact, it's a wicked decision. Watch this space.